A few things on my mind

A little bit of soap

Posted on: October 10, 2013

I was six when my dad died. It was my first death. It was such an unfortunate affair – listening to grown-ups trying to explain death to me. There was one uncle, who fancied himself an intellectual who said that “Death is like a flowing river, you can’t stop it. Man has tried and has failed” It was such a depressing thought – mere fact that I still remember his words says a lot about how consoled I was.

The one strange thing about death is that people always mourn the ones they have lost, they become centre stage. I have always felt that we should mourn the ones left behind – the ones that are left to live with the loss of their loved one.

However, if you do feel some level of self-pity, it is seen as being selfish, thinking of yourself when you still get to live. I remember during my mom’s funeral I dared and shed a tear. This woman came to me and told me to wipe my tears or my mom would not rest in peace. So I looked at her and thought yes, how selfish of me, how do I think of my loss, when I should be thinking about the dead lady’s peace. Had that conversation happened now – that fucking conversation would have gone slightly different.

Thinking about it, my mom was on the same page as me. For the six years she lived without my dad, she spent every Saturday morning listening to Brook Benton’s “A little bit of soap”.  The song is about a lost love – a break up – not death. But the feeling is similar. Both death and a break up are similar, never expected, sometimes the signs are there, but when it happens you are never ready, there is always a glimmer of hope, things will work – this will not be the end but it does.

My mom allowed herself one day a week, where she could miss her loved on and his peace was not her fucking problem, she had lost her loved one and she wanted everyone to know. I think that is a far greater tribute to the ones we have lost, remembering them and feeling sorry for ourselves for what their death has caused us. 

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2 Responses to "A little bit of soap"

This was profound. Thank you for the write up.

*no words*

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